Saturday, June 6, 2015

"Unfold in a Generous Way"

     For all of the things in my life that no longer have a place, church is one I've never needed to forgive.  It was exactly what I needed it to be, exactly when I needed it.  It was a place where I could come together with a group of people who had hearts of a similar nature and thus feel like I belonged somewhere- like I had this loving extended family.  I was drawn to the idea of community and love and helping one another achieve the highest form of healing.  And I was not forced by my parents to go.  On the contrary, I was the one who invited my dad and he became a part of the same church as well.  And though transformed, it has become what I need once again.  I'm not talking about the church as a building and a routine that is involved, but simply the edification that comes from encounters and (for me personally anyway) conversations with what Anne of Green Gables would call "bosom friends."  And just as she did, I'm beginning to find that there are far more in the world than I thought possible.

(Yes, I did just finally watch Anne of Green Gables for the first time ever, and I LOVED every moment!  I feel we have much in common.)

     I've come upon a time in my life where my reflection on who I was and who I am is coming full circle.  I spent a large portion of my younger years grasping on to any inkling of positivity I could find in the known world and thus running away from all negative emotions as if they were some plague I didn't want to catch.  I've spent a lot of time over-analyzing  those negative emotions when they've surfaced, as if they were some sort of equation that if I could only solve I'd be rid of once and for all.  I have tried to completely remove myself from a path I've seen so many in my family follow, that I began to misunderstand just what those emotions were really for.

     I do believe that there was a time when that is exactly what I needed- to cling to the positive and reject the negative.  But as I've grown, if nothing more than into adulthood, the role of those things has changed.  I went through an adventure in awareness around 25 years of age, and it felt phenomenal!  I began to understand who this person was, swamped with all of this internal clutter and chaos.  I began to understand the roots of why, even.  I was starting to get somewhere, and it felt good!  

     But still, there was what I feel was a misunderstanding of those negative emotions.  In becoming so aware, I also couldn't help but become so very self-analytical.  Though I had begun to understand, my focus was still on solving the equation as if something were wrong with it.  I had come this far toward healing, but my internal voice was still set to attack me.

     Then came a time of decline in my spiritual high.  I had other things to focus on.  I sort of leveled out, and let go of those revelations to go on and deal with changes in my life such as motherhood.  As someone who has never been too good at juggling, those things just were not able to co-exist for a while.  It actually took a series of rather intermittent explosive conversations with my lovely loving spouse to allow a path to open back toward healing self exploration.

     I now know that when I first started avoiding all of that chaos inside, it was meant to be that way for a time.  It was a mechanism within me that saved me from proverbial drowning.  I also now know that, in the transition into dealing with it all, though understanding had begun to illuminate my life, I was still clinging hard to the fact that in order to NOT become what I had seen in life as "defective" I had to find a way to squash it.  I had to find a path that would lead me to a place where those feelings would no longer be a part of who I was becoming.  I now know that I was not entirely wrong, but maybe a little misguided.  Though more open-minded, I was still clinging to the way I had always thought it to be, AND I was still focused on the NOT.

     Most importantly, of all of these things, I NOW KNOW that I HAD to have those feelings surface in order to know what I needed to forgive.  I really did try very hard to figure out what made me have those negative feelings and why.  I still believe it was and is an important part of any healing self exploration.  I knew I felt anger toward my mother for not being a source of comfort to me- EVER.  I knew I felt anger at her expectation of me to be some sort of comfort to her having not given that to me.  I knew I felt guilt at being upset, knowing that most of her hurt toward me had come from a place of hurting herself.  But I also knew I did not want to feel these things.

     My daughter is almost 2.  Before she was born, I found myself naturally taking inventory of who I was and what kind of role model I would be to this life I would become wholly responsible for.  Becoming a mother really causes you to take measure of yourself in a way you never have before.  It also causes you to re-prioritize; and re-prioritization is not always easy to accommodate when riding the coattails of guilt and self doubt.

     Only after Flora was born did I start to realize I didn't just feel sorry for my mother, but I truly was very angry with her.  I became accepting of these emotions, but still didn't like having them.  I still felt an obligation to try to be there for her and take care of her on what levels I was capable, but it conflicted with my feelings to put my daughter first.  It was as if my mother, too, was a child I had been trying to care for, and I no longer had the resources within me to do this job for both of them.  So, in my frustration, I let myself fully feel that anger toward my mother.  I gave in totally to self-pity as well.

     Then, after about a year of that (coming to the very recent past half year or so) I kept having these encounters that were pushing me to think more about my own personal truth.  I started to find myself again looking for that path toward healing.  A lot of the motivation came from the fact that I do not want Flora to pick up some of my more negative traits.  I consider those things: lack of organizational skills, lack of self-confidence, lack of internal peace, lack of decision-making skills,  lack, lack lack lack..... (you see where I'm going with this).

     This time, the path inward was taken at quite a hard angle.  I went so far inward that I was truly alone; so much so that my husband was feeling left out of our relationship.  I never meant to leave him out, but that is sometimes what happens when we become too self-centered; even if we are seemingly doing it for our own good (and what we think to be the good of others).  I wanted so badly to fix it ALL: how I was feeling, how he was feeling, how I didn't functioned with normal tasks on a daily basis (especially since all of these things are now in front of a very impressionable 1 1/2 year-old angel).  I had tried so hard to make myself the bearer of all the bad that I got stranded, and left someone very important to me in the same predicament.

     Then came the (so far) final explosion.  Thanks be to the ALL for pairing me with such an incredible partner.  This explosion was the catalyst that all of this transformation had been leading up to til this point.  I think we both felt lighter afterward, and I suddenly was able to not only gain a new perspective, but apply it!  It truly is easier said than done sometimes.  Sometimes you can know all of the right things to think and feel, and why, but the final step- the applying- is so hard to figure out.

     And while what few readers there are out there are wondering if I strayed from the path of my intent for this blog, I am now coming full circle.  I needed to truly know forgiveness within myself to be able to apply the healing mindset I knew I could have.  See, I learned a long time ago (coming around to that church thing, guys :D ) HOW to ask for forgiveness.  But I have only recently learned how to ACCEPT that forgiveness.

     So I've forgiven what I thought was wrong against me.  A lot of that has only come about because I now realize that in thinking it was wrong done to me I was actually feeling sorry for myself.  I have also forgiven myself for victimizing myself through those feelings.  I even took a day to experiment in not complaining out loud- AT ALL.  Talk about a life changer!

     This more peaceful path toward higher healing exploration started for me almost 2 weeks ago, and already I have had days that were trying; already I've had days where I failed the tests of my character.  But you know what?  I don't beat myself up over it any more.  I see it for what it is- and that is my soul's chosen path.  If something is suddenly out of my control, well being in control is really just an illusion anyway, right?  So why get so upset?  Maybe it's not going my way because that is not the way it was meant.  I finally understand what it is to "let go and let God"- as the saying goes.  

     And while I could wonder why I ever spent so much time worrying about it, I am now more than willing to just accept that it was the way it was meant to be to get me to this point.  May I never stray from this path! 

     I am currently very excited about what the future holds, and I in no way expect to always be on the smooth path (as I did before).  My husband and I feel stronger as a team than ever before (or at least in my book- I'll have to ask him what he thinks ;D ).  I can actually see my dreams coming true- and not just because I'm forcing myself to!

     I don't know when I'll feel the urge to sit and write like this again; it seems to come in spurts.  However, whoever in the universe comes across this, I hope it touches some kindred part of your soul that is traveling the path of this earth with me and all other living beings.  Please, also, feel free to share stories of your path whether you know me or not.  Bosom friends need only meet once to have an edifying effect on one another.  Thank you for existing :D